What I Would Say to a Friend Considering Ending Her Marriage
Aug 26, 2024"I think my marriage is over..."
"I don't think I can do this anymore..."
When a close friend reaches out with something as heavy as the possibility of ending her marriage, my instinct is to hold space for her—to listen, to understand, and to offer guidance rooted in both love and honesty.
If my best friend were to tell me she was considering ending her marriage, here’s what I would share with her.
- It’s Okay to Feel Conflicted
First and foremost, I would want her to know that it’s okay to feel conflicted. The decision to end a marriage is never easy, and it’s normal to have doubts and fears. I’d remind her that it’s okay to take the time to sit with those feelings, to explore them, and to honor the complexity of the situation. Rushing into a decision, especially one this significant, can lead to regrets later on.
- Understand the Why
I’d encourage her to take a deep dive into understanding why she’s considering this step. Is it because of ongoing issues that feel unresolvable? Has there been a breakdown in communication, trust, or connection? Or is it that she feels she’s grown in a different direction and no longer sees a future in the relationship? Getting clear on the ‘why’ is crucial because it forms the foundation for whatever decision she ultimately makes.
- Consider the Impact—On Everyone
I’d ask her to consider the impact of this decision—not just on herself, but on everyone involved, especially if there are children. I’d emphasize that while it’s important to prioritize her own well-being, it’s equally important to think about how the decision will affect her children, her spouse, and even the extended family. This isn’t to say she should stay for others’ sake, but rather that she should make the decision with full awareness of its ripple effects. Because regardless of whether she decides to stay and work on the restoring the marriage, or bring it to a respectful completion, the decision will have a ripple effect on everyone.
- Model the Life You Want for Your Children
As parents, we have a profound responsibility to model the kind of life we would want our children to lead. This means showing them what it looks like to live authentically, to prioritize happiness and well-being, and to make choices that align with one’s values. If staying in the marriage would mean compromising her happiness, settling for less than she wants in a relationship, or modeling unhealthy relationship dynamics, I’d remind her that children learn by watching us. They deserve to see what a life lived with intention and courage looks like—even if it means making difficult decisions. Especially when it means making difficult decisions.
- Explore All Options
I’d urge her to explore all options to restore her marriage before making a final decision. This might include seeking counseling or therapy, working with a relationship coach, engaging in open and honest conversations with her spouse, or even taking a temporary separation to gain clarity. Sometimes, what feels like the end is really an opportunity for a new beginning—whether that means healing the relationship or finding the courage to move on.
- Cast a Clear Vision for Your Future
I’d want her to take the time to get crystal clear on what she wants her future to look like. This isn’t just about vague hopes or wishes—it’s about casting a clear, detailed vision of the life she desires, down to the smallest details. I’d encourage her to think deeply about what brings her fulfillment, joy, and peace. Then, I’d ask her to get honest with herself: Is it possible to create that future within this marriage? Can the relationship evolve to support that vision? Or is the only way to achieve that future by bringing the marriage to a respectful and thoughtful completion?
Understanding the gap between where she is now and where she wants to be is crucial in making an informed decision. It’s about aligning her choices today with the future she wants to create, ensuring that she’s living a life true to her values and aspirations.
- Give Yourself Permission to Choose What’s Best for You
Finally, I’d tell her to give herself permission to choose what’s best for her. Ending a marriage isn’t about failure; it’s about recognizing when something is no longer serving you or helping you grow. If, after deep reflection, she feels that ending the marriage is the best choice, I’d want her to make that decision confidently, knowing she’s done everything she could to make it work. I want her to honor the fact that putting her needs last or staying in a relationship that is soul-crushing doesn’t really serve anyone. All that does is prevent her from showing up as the best version of herself in all of the places that people are relying on her.
At the end of the day…
At the end of the day, what I want for my best friend is what I want for all the women I work with: a life lived deliberately, with intention, and without regret.
Whether she decides to stay and work on her marriage or to bring it to a thoughtful completion, the key is making these decisions with clarity and purpose. By getting clear on what she wants her future to look like, considering the impact on her children, exploring all options, and ultimately choosing the path that aligns with her values, she’s setting herself up to navigate this journey without regret.
Whatever decision she makes, I’d be there to support her, to help her navigate the journey, and to remind her that she is worthy of a life filled with love, joy, and fulfillment—whether that’s within her marriage or beyond it.
P.S. I would give the exact same advice if my best friend was a man. xo
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