Processing Newly Separated Feelings

One of the things that caught me most off guard about ending my marriage was how much it would hurt.

I had already been hurting for so long as my marriage was unravelling. I had cried so many tears wishing things were different. Wanting desperately to save my marriage. Especially my second marriage. There was no part of me that wanted to fail at marriage twice. I held on for as long as I could. I went back and forth a million times in my head deciding whether to stay or go.

I’ve come to believe that deciding may be the hardest part of separation.

So when I finally made the decision to leave and had the conversation with my husband, as difficult as it was to have that conversation, there was relief. 

There definitely is relief.

For about 5 seconds.

And then the sadness hits.

And it hits hard.

Like a sucker punch to the gut.

One that sucks all of the breath from your lungs. Just when you think you’re out of tears, you cry a million more. And that nasty inner voice chimes in “What are you crying for? Isn’t this what you wanted? This was your decision. You don’t GET to be sad.”

Here is what I know for sure. 

The end of your marriage or a long term committed relationship is like a death. It’s the death of your relationship and the death of all the hopes and dreams you had for a future together.

Regardless of the circumstances leading up to your separation and regardless of which spouse actually initiates it, you are both suffering a loss.

It will be important for you to give yourself permission to grieve fully. No shortcuts here.

Even if it was your decision.

I believe the person who initiates the separation has already gone through the grieving process once and reached the level of acceptance prior to having the conversation with your spouse. But that conversation, if it results in the two of you agreeing that separation is the only viable option, will trigger another grief cycle. Up until that moment, it wasn’t completely real. There was always hope that the relationship could be saved. But once you both agree that separation is inevitable, the loss becomes real.

And the only way past the grief is through it.

You must allow yourself to feel all the feels associated with each phase of the grief cycle.

All of it.

Denial, anger, bargaining, despair.

One after the other, although not always in that order.

And be prepared to circle back more than once to feel some of it again and again. Its only by giving yourself permission to feel each feeling as it comes up for you that you can reach a level of acceptance and come through the other side stronger and wiser, and more resilient than ever.

I know you may not be at a place to hear this yet, but I promise you, on the other side of your grief is a better version of you.

As difficult as it is to experience any loss there’s something about the grief cycle that leaves you in a better place than you were before the loss. Maybe it’s what we learn as we navigate each of the phases. Maybe it’s the questions we ask ourselves as we’re going through it, and the answers we find as a result.

There is a scientific name for it – post-traumatic growth – Google it if you like. That will be a topic for another day. For now, know that as hard as it is to feel al of the feels and how tempting it might be to want to avoid them or stuff them down with food or alcohol, or shopping, or other distractions, doing so won’t serve you. In fact, it will only prolong the grieving process for you.

If you will be brave enough to allow yourself to fully embrace your feelings as they come up, and really process them, they will come and go and before you know it, you will realize that your tear-filled days are further apart and your sadness will be replaced with hope. Hope for the future and all of the possibilities it holds for you. And then gratitude comes. When you can be thankful for the relationship, and see it for the gift that it was, even if it wasn’t meant to last. That too is a topic for another day.

For now, focus on where you are and give yourself full permission to feel what is coming up for you. Don’t stuff the feelings down. And don’t hold onto them either. Allow them to come, fully feel them, and then let them go. Don’t rush it, and don’t stay stuck. And before you know it, you’ll be on the other side of it. I promise. xo

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